“YOU ARE A WONDERFUL HUMAN BEING.”
Have you ever wondered why your mind totally grasps the fact that you should be compassionate with yourself but from a deeper more subconscious place, part of you forgets to react in a caring way internally sometimes?
After an incredibly long and emotionally draining day at work, I realise that rather than nurturing myself, I am telling myself that I have not done enough. I immediately realise that if I was my own best friend, I would be communicating words of encouragement.
Many people are there for others with words of positivity and wisdom when needed. They acknowledge their achievements and shift the focus from dark to light when their friend or loved one is feeling low. This invites us to observe what we tell ourselves. Being kind and compassionate with yourself can change your life and can bring about great joy.
This article examines ways to develop a positive relationship with yourself through Yoga and a Yogic lifestyle. It offers advice to support you in observing your thoughts, giving time to yourself and developing self-compassion.
The Dalai Lama says;
‘If you don’t love yourself, you cannot love others. You will not be able to love others if you have no compassion for yourself then you are not able of developing compassion for others.”
We can all relate to these incredibly wise words on some level but putting this into practice is less than easy. Often, the internal commentary offered to ourselves by ourselves is incredibly harsh and we would not speak in that way to anyone else.
Studying Your Internal Dialogue
Patanjali often called the ‘Father of Yoga’ states in the second Yoga Sutra,
” Yogah Citta Vritti Nirodhah”
This is a wonderful sutra that explains what Yoga is. A rough translation really does not do his work justice but basically speaking for the purpose of this article, it means that Yoga is the practice of understanding the mind so that we can unite with our peaceful, true Self. Patanjali says that we need to restrain our mental modifications. These are; the chatter/internal voices and the relationship mind has to external stuff via the senses. If you thought Yoga was just asana then think again. We are all encouraged to do our duty to understand our personalities to deepen our yoga practice and move towards the real goal of Yoga which is this union.
This all sounds fairly complex but when we arrive at being compassionate with ourselves, we can witness a great relief. This means we are better able to understand others. Examining our own minds is crucial to recognising how kind we are to ourselves and what we need to work on.
Recognising Your Needs First Helps you to Serve Others
Many people would love a positive world where everyone looked out for each other and many people try so hard to love to others. Many of us want to serve others and follow the path of Karma Yoga which also leads to peaceful union. This ideal is not in dispute but are we perhaps going about it in the wrong way?
When we go on looking outwards and putting others first, sometimes the martyr comes marching out with pride and we repress feelings of annoyance and frustration at having to keep doing things for others. Have you ever felt ill but battled on with whatever you are doing only to find someone ask you for help. You are tired and at the end of your tether but see yourself as a ‘good yogi’ and so run to help them only to find that later you snap at yourself and just become more worn out. This worn out state does now allow you to best serve others in the long run. Ignoring your own needs can often lead to more problems and sometimes we begin to take it out on ourselves or loved ones.
Catching Your Thoughts
How often do you say negative things to yourself? For example, you may hear yourself say, what is wrong with you?” when you have done something that you or others do not consider ‘good enough’. Perhaps you scold yourself for not eating as you think you should, or not being perfect enough at something. Sometimes you may hear your parent’s voices, your old teacher’s voices or your own ego.
By mastering our own mental thoughts and catching them at the right times, we can do wonders for our own self- esteem and begin to talk to ourselves as we would wish others to talk us. It takes patience and dedication but like all the people that you try to help, you are also worth it.
Please by all means go and serve others in the beautiful way you have been doing but take time to come home to the internal and give yourself some love once in a while too.
Here are some useful tips in creating your own self-compassion:
1: Become aware of your thoughts.
Observe and jot down and incidences where you say unhelpful things to yourself. Unhelpful things are ones that make you feel bad about yourself. It is very useful to start a journal that you can write in when you feel the need to. Although at this stage you may not know how to change your thoughts, take comfort in the fact that thoughts can be and begin to look for any patterns.
2. Rephrase negative thoughts.
Once you have spent some time watching your thoughts, catch them when they are harshly critical of something you have done. Try to rephrase them. If you forgot to do something important when you had a lot going and heard yourself say ” what is wrong with me, I never do anything right?” , recognise that this will not help the situation but put you in a worse mental frame. Acknowledge that you have made a mistake and that mistakes are learning experiences. Think of something positive that you have done recently to counteract the negative statement that you thought about yourself.
3. Make positive affirmations.
Begin to notice any reoccurring beliefs you have about yourself. For example, you may begin to notice that you say you are not clever enough, healthy enough, kind enough etc….. Write down a positive affirmation that is the opposite. If you felt you were not intelligent enough you could write, “I am able to learn”.
When you first write your affirmation, you may feel like a fake. Just ignore this and know that you can reprogram yourself just as you were in some way programmed to believe this in the first place. Write it 20 times a day and say it over and over again. Begin to record anything that begins to back it up, for example if you learned something new however small then log it as proof. This will help you to change any negative beliefs about yourself.
4. Speak to yourself as if you were guiding an innocent child.
When you hear yourself speaking negatively to yourself, close your eyes and try to envisage yourself as a child. If you had made a mistake in a place of vulnerability, how would you have wanted someone to speak to you? Be your own mother or father and parent yourself to quieten the harsh critic and boost your confidence.
5. Learn to say ‘no’ when you need to.
If you feel that you are getting irritated and tired because of doing too much and someone asks you to do something, simply in a positive but honest way, explain why you can’t at this moment in time but it does not mean that you cannot next time. Defend your energy because you cannot be genuinely kind to yourself or others if you are resenting helping them underneath. When you have said ‘no’, you may feel guilty and this is normal. Go somewhere quiet and do some breathing for 5 or more minutes. As you inhale think ‘I love myself as I do other beings’ and as you exhale say ‘ I let go of guilt’. After this do whatever you need to restore yourself and do bit think if the task you were asked to do. You have chosen your duty for this moment and need to commit to it.
6. Do wholesome things that you love.
Make sure you do something that you genuinely love at least once a week. Ensure that it is an activity beneficial to mind or body. Tell everyone this is your time and ask for support to get that time. Encourage others to do the same so that they understand where you are coming from. This could be especially hard for new mums. If you are with a partner you can bargain with each other for one session a week each of ‘you time’. Single parents (hats off to you) try to bargain with someone from your support network if you can.
7. Have a short daily practice.
Give yourself a dedicated time for some daily practise. Most people can find 10 minutes in their day if they really want to. This could be writing in your journal, having a cup of tea mindfully. Doing your favourite asana, making sure you are really engrossed in that moment, a few minutes of pranayama or meditation are also options. The more you give to yourself, the more you have to give to others without subconsciously feeling resentment.
8. Remember teachings from the wise old yogis.
Many Sages and Swamis agree that our first duty is to save ourselves. This may seem selfish but when you look at things from a universal perspective they are nothing but wise and holistic. Metaphorically speaking, if you were on a crashing plane and chose to out the oxygen mask on others before yourself you would perish and not be able to help anyone else. Sort yourself out first! Swami Satchidananda says ‘self-reforming rather than reforming others’. Sort out your mind stuff and you may inspire others to also. If we all took good care of ourselves, the need to burden others would be far less.
Leave A Comment